SAS Australia star Matthew Mitcham has opened up about the heartbreaking trauma that led to his dark spiral into drug addiction and an attempt to take his own life.
The Olympic diver star said he started using drugs - in particular crystal meth - shortly after winning a gold medal at the 2008 Olympic Games.
WATCH VIDEO ABOVE: Matthew Mitcham reveals his dark decline on SAS Australia
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Now in a gut-wrenching session with SAS Australia Chief Instructor Ant Middleton on Tuesday night’s show, Mitcham revealed the secret demons that shaped his sad decline.
“In 2008, I won an Olympic gold medal with the highest scoring dive in Olympic history. But after that I began a bit of a downward spiral,” he said.
“I was using a lot of drugs, particularly crystal meth. But even though I’m an addict in recovery, I am still ruled by self doubt and fear.”
![An SAS Australia star has opened up about his dark past.](https://images.7news.com.au/publication/C-12218890/25b58f59dc9eaea9b870c8164b7c58aea25ac035-16x9-x0y0w1920h1080.jpg?imwidth=650&impolicy=sevennews_v2)
He added: “I was retired for 15 months with no intention of ever returning to the sport. When I got the opportunity to start diving again, but I had a drug problem.
“I went cold turkey, but I never really addressed any of the underlying causes of why I was just wanting to escape.”
While talking to Ant, Mitcham explained how difficulties in his childhood had left him broken.
“Ever since being a child, not wanting to get in trouble was a constant in my life,” he said.
“I hate being told that I’m wrong, or feeling that I’ve done something wrong.”
![Matthew Mitcham during Tuesday night’s episode of SAS Australia.](https://images.7news.com.au/publication/C-12218890/c6e823cef09a02e1557ced50db81bbd56ce21edf-16x9-x4y0w1038h584.png?imwidth=650&impolicy=sevennews_v2)
Mitcham went on to explain that he was raised by his mother, and turned to diving to gain approval.
“It was my ticket to being special, basically, because I knew I could do it really well and that’s all I kind of wanted,” he said.
“Like since I was a kid, since I was eight or nine I thought, well, if I do something really good and I get as positive validation and if I’m the best in the world, it’s something that I’m going to get everything that I need, like I’m gonna feel good about myself.
“And so that was a real driving force.
“I know that I’ve got really low self esteem and I know that that’s from childhood ... ridiculous childhood trauma.
“[I was] the only child in a single parent household. Obviously, her life is difficult. So the easiest way to make me just be as easy as possible was to control me through fear.”
![Mitcham broke down in tears during the emotional session.](https://images.7news.com.au/publication/C-12218890/2bcf05345dd68154c2a853319a22d0317b40fd66-16x9-x0y1w1046h588.png?imwidth=650&impolicy=sevennews_v2)
Mitcham went on to admit that he used to “hate” himself as a child, which lead him down a path of self harm.
“I just didn’t feel good enough,” he said. “When I got overwhelmed with feelings, that I couldn’t keep on the inside, I used to cut myself out of anger.
“Because I felt like then the problem was dealt with. It was some sort of release for me.
“And after one particular episode, I went far too far and I had to call my grandma to take me to hospital.”
When Ant asked what the “worst thing” he did during dark times, Mitcham made a heartbreaking confession.
“I tried to take with my own life once,” he said, through tears.
“I just wrapped it up in the same thing. It’s just that whole self-esteem stuff, you know and it got too much and luckily it didn’t work.”
![Matthew Mitcham won gold at the 2008 Olympics.](https://images.7news.com.au/publication/C-12218890/863c734e65a27db64260c8aab36459f5714f7506-161x229-x0y48w1238h1761.jpg?imwidth=650&impolicy=sevennews_v2)
Mitcham also admitted that knowing that he was gay from a young age also led to more trauma.
“I kind of knew from you know, five that I liked boys,” he said.
“Through school and religion and stuff, that’s when shame started getting put onto it. And so then I put a rubber band around my wrist, because I knew that being gay was such a bad thing.
“I put a rubber band around my wrist and every time I had a gay thought I would snap the rubber band against my wrist to try and associate pain with it to try and train myself out of being gay.”
![Ant Middleton reacts to Mitcham’s confession.](https://images.7news.com.au/publication/C-12218890/80b025ba8d353f6f37db0fa7a151ac20b0f383bd-16x9-x5y0w1042h586.png?imwidth=650&impolicy=sevennews_v2)
The gut-wrenching admission lead Ant to offer Mitcham words of encouragement and support.
“That’s some f***ng hardcore stuff, that. No wonder you have been in your fucking own head for all those years,” he said.
“Then you went down that f***ing path of self destruction, I think anyone else f***ing would.”
He added: “I actually see you here at the end of the course.
“But you need to focus 100 per cent. Stop the f***ing perfection s***, it doesn’t exist. Don’t over f***ing think, don’t over f***ing analyse, walk and go with it. Be you.”
Mitcham said he was on SAS Australia as part of his own personal journey.
“I don’t have anything to prove to anyone,” he admitted. “I don’t have anything to prove to anybody else. It’s all me. I’m my own worst enemy.”
If you need help in a crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. For further information about depression contact beyondblue on 1300224636 or talk to your GP, local health professional or someone you trust.
The former competitive swimmer mentioned how it would be nice to have someone to go through the tough times with.
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